SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am back again, and sometimes I wonder how many of these topics and headings there are because it feels like we keep circling the same pain.

A few years ago I became more active on the forum, then life happened and I slowly drifted away again. The problem is that even though time passed, nothing really changed. We still feel stuck and I honestly do not know how to move forward anymore.

I feel like I have done everything the forum usually suggests, but we are still battling with the same core issues.

For example, I acknowledge now that I did not tell my husband everything on D-Day. Years later, after joining this forum and reading more, I realised I was wrong for withholding details. I eventually did a full timeline with as much detail as I could honestly remember.

The fights are not always about the affair details themselves anymore. Now it is more about the fact that I chose not to tell him everything from the beginning.

His view is that if I truly loved him, I would have come to him voluntarily and disclosed everything immediately. My perspective at the time was very different. In my mind, admitting that I had sex with another man already felt like the absolute worst thing imaginable. I genuinely thought withholding some details was better and would spare him more pain. It was not until much later, after reading here, that I understood why full disclosure mattered so much.

So now we are stuck in this place where the argument is not necessarily about the details anymore, but about the fact that I withheld them in the first place.

How do I respond to that in a way that helps instead of making things worse?

The second issue is probably the most difficult and confusing one for us. When I say that I made a mistake, my husband becomes angry and says it was not a mistake because a mistake happens once, while the affair involved repeated choices.

In my mind, when I say "mistake," I mean that the entire affair was the biggest mistake of my life. In his mind, calling it a mistake minimizes the fact that it involved repeated conscious decisions.

I understand now that it was a series of wrong choices, but we seem to get stuck in a battle over the words "mistake" versus "choice."

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you explain the difference without sounding like you are avoiding accountability?

How do you explain the difference without sounding like you are avoiding accountability?

You don't.

I get it, in our mind mistake means the biggest, most catastrophic regret of our life. In his mind, mistake sounds like you dropped a glass or took the wrong exit on the highway. To a BS, it feels passive, like it just happened to you.

​More importantly, you need to recognize that the word mistake is an active trigger for him.

Every time it leaves your mouth, it hits a nerve and causes him to defend his trauma. Part of our work is learning to see these triggers and doing everything we can to eliminate them from the environment.

​Removing the word "mistake" from your vocabulary entirely is a necessary first step.

It is easy to underestimate just how far radical accountability goes for a betrayed spouse. Right now, your BS isn't just hurting from the past, he is exhausted from having to fight you for the reality of his own trauma. It forces the BS to keep their guard up. It makes them feel like they have to constantly litigate the affair just to get you to see how bad it actually was.

You cannot change the facts of what happened but by stepping into 100% accountability you change how safe you are to hold his pain.

​Keep your head up.

Hi Ragab.

So now we are stuck in this place where the argument is not necessarily about the details anymore, but about the fact that I withheld them in the first place.

How do I respond to that in a way that helps instead of making things worse?

How do you normally respond to that? What exactly are you guys "arguing" about when this comes up?

I didn't disclose everything in the beginning either; like you, it took a lot of time on SI to realize that full and complete honesty was the best policy, and I had to disclose multiple instances of infidelity that had happened years earlier in our relationship, for which I had never been "caught." If I was in your position now, the best thing I could think to do is 1) apologize, 2) acknowledge your BS's pain (listen to what he says and see if you can summarize his feelings back to him accurately, so that you demonstrate you understand them properly, 3) just explain that it took you some time to realize full disclosure was important like you did here(you can elaborate on why it's important, again, to demonstrate that you understand now, 4) apologize again and tell him you wish you'd done it from the beginning. Then go back to listening mode.

The second issue is probably the most difficult and confusing one for us. When I say that I made a mistake, my husband becomes angry and says it was not a mistake because a mistake happens once, while the affair involved repeated choices.

In my mind, when I say "mistake," I mean that the entire affair was the biggest mistake of my life. In his mind, calling it a mistake minimizes the fact that it involved repeated conscious decisions.

I understand now that it was a series of wrong choices, but we seem to get stuck in a battle over the words "mistake" versus "choice."

You have to acknowledge that the word "mistake" has the connotation of something that was accidental or out of your control. It wasn't out of your control; like he says, it was a choice. Apologize and tell him he's right. What you really mean is that it is the "worst choice" and "biggest regret" of your life. Again, after that, just go back to listening mode.

Seems like an easy argument to put to bed. No need to argue over words.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 4:17 AM, Thursday, May 21st]

Thank you all. It makes sense in my mind, but when I speak to him, it feels like what I’m trying to say is heard as the complete opposite. It’s as though he isn’t hearing what I actually mean. Thank you for all your responses

Hypervigilance will cause your BHs brain to try to protect him from being fooled or blindsided ever again. It’s the trauma. He might lash out, misinterpret your tone, or pick apart your words whether it feels fair or unfair to you. When you try to explain he hears it as you making excuses, justifications, or being defensive. It is so incredibly important that you find the humility to accept and sit with his trauma reaction without fighting it.

If you are truly in the trenches with him, navigating his grief and your own world collapsing, you are going to be a messy cocktail of emotions. No matter how hard you try, you will not be perfect. You are going to fumble. You have to learn to have grace for yourself in those moments, while completely letting go of the expectation that he will have any grace for you right now.

There were so many times in my own journey where I said something and immediately regretted how it came out. It sounded too blamey, too full of shame, or just defensive. You know that instant pit in your stomach when you realize you just messed up?

​When that happens, the best thing you can do is stop the conversation dead in its tracks. Don't try to defend what you meant or double down. Just own it right then and there.

​"Hey, I just realized how that came out. It sounded defensive, and that’s my shame talking. Let me stop and reframe that, because I want to get this right for you."

​"Please know I am trying to work this out in real time. I know I’m being incredibly messy right now, but I want to be honest. Let me try that again."

That kind of radical accountability goes a long way. It shows him that you are paying attention to his triggers/pain/body language/ boundaries, and your own behavior. It proves you care more about being a safe partner.

You are learning a completely new way to be human while walking through a war zone. When you mess up, just stop, drop the ego, and reset.

Ragab, you said:

His view is that if I truly loved him, I would have come to him voluntarily and disclosed everything immediately. My perspective at the time was very different. In my mind, admitting that I had sex with another man already felt like the absolute worst thing imaginable. I genuinely thought withholding some details was better and would spare him more pain. It was not until much later, after reading here, that I understood why full disclosure mattered so much.

I think your BS wants you to admit that you didn't love him when you were lying to him because, if you did, you wouldn't have kept lying to him. I can understand your thinking at the time, but you'll need to admit, which perhaps you have, that by lying to him you were trying to save your own skin, not protect him. By lying, you were stealing from him his ability to choose how his life would proceed knowing all the facts.

I thought I loved my husband while I was lying to him, but now I realize that you can't lie to someone and thereby steal his choices from him and say you love him. I hope I'm making myself clear.