SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a long time since I've been active on this site. However, as I am now on the 2 year anniversary of D-Day, I felt the need to vent to people who understand.
It's hard to believe that it's been two years since my life blew up. But that's exactly what happened. He blew up our lives together. And now life looks so different and will continue to look different. We are still separated. Divorce will be final in August. He is living in an RV in the driveway of our home for a few more weeks until we put the house on the market. Hopefully, it will sell fast and I can move into a new place with just my daughters. And my new life will officially begin. Which I am looking forward to. I want this to be over.
Some days, I feel ok. I know I can do this and I love my girls and my friends and everything will be ok. And then, I have moments where I remember specific details of his betrayal and the pain is still breathtaking. I don't cry as much as I did previously, but I still cry more than I would like.
I feel a lot of anger now more than sadness. Anger that he did this to our family but also anger at myself that I kept trying to make things work for so long after D-Day. If I had walked away then, would I be more healed now? I'll never know.
I'm also angry at certain people in my life (which also makes me feel guilty), people who have been supportive of me this whole time but now seem to think I should be fine. It's been two years, you're getting divorced, move on already! But honestly, I still feel like I'm barely holding my head above water while they sit on pool floats and shout encouraging euphemisms. I can know that I'm doing the right thing now (divorce) and still be sad that my life isn't what I planned for it to be. Both things are true even if they feel like opposites.
I remember when D-Day first happened and I immersed myself in all things infidelity: books, podcasts, this site. I remember reading that it took 2-5 years to heal from an affair. I remember thinking and telling my therapist, "I can't do this for two years, let alone five!!" But I have done it. The last two years have been the worst of my life and I made it through. I may not be as healed as I would like or as people in my life would like, but I'm still here. That has to count for something.

AdLarue,

It sounds like you are doing great, really. Not that you FEEL great, but you are doing the things that need to happen and you are healing.
It just takes a long time to fully heal, but you are healing. And when you don’t have to look at him all the time, it will be better still.

You should be proud of yourself for all you have gone through and all you have accomplished. It’s A LOT and in a fairly short period of time. And please give yourself grace for trying to R. I also stuck around longer than ideal but then again, we each have to walk our own path. And you might have just needed that time to rebuild your strength and see your path forward. And that is totally okay.

As for the friends who think you should be over it— yeah, I think that happens to many of us. For some, they have not been through this and don't understand that damage it does (I certainly did not think infidelity would hurt as much as it did). Others have the unhealthy "stiff upper lip, put on a happy face" philosophies and think feelings should be stuffed down. Others just don’t like the inconvenience of other people’s emotions if it doesn’t fit their narrative. Up to you how to respond (or not). But just keep walking down YOUR path of healing. You will get to your destination. Sing a little Frank Sinatra if you need to remind yourself of that.

Thanks for the update, and I wish you continued healing and hope your house sells quickly. And happy new beginnings!