SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After 22 years of marriage, my wife decided it was ok to "love two people" and vigorously pursue a long distance relationship with a colleague. She continued this for 8 years before I accidentally found out. They'd meet 3-5 times each year and also had monthly sex calls according to the wife.

I discovered her actions 22 years ago and I'm still needing some advice. I've done a lot of talking about this with her, have read more books than I care to recall and have listened to many different therapists about what happened and what to do.

I welcome any comments from anyone who has been through this, has seen counselors perhaps and what has worked for you. We are still together, mainly for the kids and family's sake. We've only spoken with doctors and some therapists.

Thanks for anything that you might have to offer.

Will you say more about the timing?

You seem to say your W started cheating after 22 years of M and that you discovered it after 8 years, so that means you discovered it after 30 years of M. You also say 'her actions 22 years ago'. Are yiu saying you got married in 1974, your W conducted an A from 1996-2004, and you discovered her A in 2004?

What did your W do after you discovered it? Did she do anything to change from cheater to good partner?

What did you do? You refer to therapists. Individual, mariiage counseling, individual counseling, sex counsleing - what kind of therapists?

What changes did you and/or your W change as a result of the therapy?

SI responses to a JFO (just found out) sitch is pretty cut and dried, because pretty much everybody is drowning. After 22 years, the BS's situation can be extremely varied, and the responses from Si need more info than in a JFO sitch.

Gotfish,

I'm also confused about Your post can You please make a simple timeline when things happen and when You became aware.

In any event it sounds pretty horrible like Your WW have a secret second life perhaps You were never her first choice even.

DNA Your kids, STD testing, polygraph Your WW.

Being married and loving two people is actually the best!
The issue might be that either she loves the wrong two people, or she loves three people.

In a marriage you should love your partner, and love yourself.

I concur with the previous posters suggestion and suggest you give us more detailed info.

I honestly don’t think I’ve seen a poster on here that knowingly condoned a 30 year affair. Perhaps a lawyer might be more helpful.

My apologies if I was unclear. As I originally posted, "After 22 years of marriage, my wife decided it was ok to "love two people" and vigorously pursue a long distance relationship with a colleague. She continued this for 8 years before I accidentally found out." I should have added that I found out in 2004 and she started in 1996.

Sisoon:"What did your W do after you discovered it? Did she do anything to change from cheater to good partner?"

She was relieved that I finally knew. She has been nothing but remorseful after this was discovered and was loving throughout all our life together. She knew it was wrong but was "addicted" to the AP. I had absolutely no clue this was happening as it was a long distance affair and she was seeing the AP under the guise of "field trips" which were legitimate in her field of work.

W has pursued a couple of therapy professionals that she says have helped her. Both of us have read an enormous amount on this topic and have learned a lot. We continue to have a very loving relationship but for me, what she did was unbelievable, unforgettable and unforgivable.

I find myself sad more than I thought I would be and just do not understand the "why" part. How could she? I suppose the addiction part sort of helps to explain that. Still, unbelievable.

Ok. Much clearer. If you stayed for the kids 22 years ago that should no longer be an issue. If you are sad most of the time, what do you get out of the marriage? What are you looking for? Are you in counseling? The only person that can give you the whys is WW. Does she know how you feel?

I got that, too. The ap told my W she was evolved enough to love 2 people at once. It didn't work out that way.

My reco, too, is to feel the grief - and to be aware that anger, fear, and shame may be lurking behind the grief. My reco is to let those feelings flow, too. It's eminently possible that you've got lots of feelings that you stuffed somewhere in your body, and they're getting ready to come to the surface. IMO, this is a good thing, because I accept the proposition that feelings that are felt will not come back.

The problem is that so many feelings get dumped on a BS when they find out they've been betrayed, that it takes a LOT of feeling to let the emotions go -so many that it may feel impossible and endless. There is an end, though, and when you get there, the relief is amazing. In fact, just letting go some feelings can be amazing. A good IC can help.

Do you know what you want to do with your M? If not, look inside. From what you write, I think it's possible that a lot of work that is done in R(econciling) may have already been done. For example, you may now have a record of almost 22 years of consistent or inconsistent trust-(re)building. You may have a record of almost 22 years of your W showing up for you, or not. You may have a record almost 22 years long of fidelity, or not.

The post-A record may show you R is a good idea or impossible or something in between. You know what happened after d-day. Most of us don't - we have to guess.

But you do not have to R. You may look inside and decide you want out of your M. That can be as good a resolution as R. You just have to figure out what's best for you, which is never easy.

gotfish1, that's a long time to carry such a burden. For some us, we don't feel better as long as we're with the person who hurt us, no matter what they do. In your case, can you create a separate life for yourself? I'm not suggesting divorce, but more of a cabin or cottage somewhere that you could be happy on your own. Even spending a few months apart every year, reclaiming things that bring you joy without having her around, could really help your spirit.

I spent a lot of time delving into why, and ultimately, none of the reasons helped me feel any better about what happened. It's like getting in a bad car accident. You can know that the other person was drunk (their fault) or that their brakes failed (not their fault), but you still have to deal with being paralyzed for the rest of your life.