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I get why my answer feels unsatisfying. From the outside, it looks like someone must have been getting something meaningful out of the lie, otherwise why do it? And yes, there were moments that felt good in the moment. The ego strokes, the validation, the intensity. But those weren’t signs of happiness. They were hits, not fulfillment. They were reactions, not connection.

Survival from what?

The threat wasn’t external. It wasn’t my partner. It wasn’t consequences. It was my own internal world. I didn’t have the skills to regulate shame, fear, conflict, or discomfort. I didn’t have the ability to sit with myself honestly. So the "survival" was from facing who I actually was. The mask wasn’t protecting me from my partner. It was protecting me from myself.

That’s why compartmentalization feels so alien from the outside. You’re imagining someone consciously turning off their brain to enjoy the lie. But the truth is simpler and more disturbing, you don’t think about it because you don’t have the internal architecture to tolerate thinking about it. It’s not a calculated detachment. It’s an underdeveloped one.

It’s not a calculated detachment. It’s an underdeveloped one.

Yes!

And yes on not ever letting yourself be seen and therefore all the love landing on the mask.

I just needed to chime in because I have a hard time articulating things this boiled down. I can describe it with a lot of works but you get to the heart of it.

I don’t think my issue was completely not letting myself be vulnerable, some of mine was not knowing who I am or what I want and therefore hiding and trying to be more interesting. I realize that’s vulnerability but I do think if I felt more developed or secure in who I was vulnerability would not have been so hard.

Great posts.

AnxiousAvoidant

I wasn’t having exactly an exit affair, but before and during the A, I wasn’t much invested (emotionally) in the M anymore (and not because of the AP). When I married, I thought it would be forever, but in that period I wasn’t sure anymore and I felt "done putting any effort".

Like your WS, I also thought my BS wouldn’t care much if I had something going on - when I asked him to open the relationship, I was shocked that he was so adverse to it. I thought he’d be fine with it, or at worse it would be just a "no", but no drama / emotions.

Anyway, despite all of this, I always, always, thought my husband was the best as a man. It’s just I didn’t feel him invested in me / I felt very lonely, hence I sort of "checked-out".

So it was never about him being the "second best". I always said he was a great person, dad, intelligent etc.. when I detached from him, it was more about how I was feeling in M and around him, than him as a person.

I don’t know if this helps!

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 10:40 AM, Thursday, July 2nd]

100% agree with foreverlabeled. Thank you for writing that out, it is so incredibly helpful, even years later, to find the words to describe my experience. FL, I know what brought you back here was unpleasant and uncomfortable and I hope you are feeling more settled and resolved - but there are wonderful things happening from your participation!

GotTheMorbs

Thanks for taking the time to share. Insightful for me.

[This message edited by Flatlined at 8:51 PM, Friday, July 3rd]

FL, I know what brought you back here was unpleasant and uncomfortable and I hope you are feeling more settled and resolved - but there are wonderful things happening from your participation!

hiya Pip! Thank you for your kind words. Much improved and getting better.

Truly grateful to be helpful 🙏🏻

I'm glad it was useful! anytime.

WS only, or BS with question(s) for WSes.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:23 PM, Thursday, July 9th]