SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OP

I am sorry you are going thru this. It is a gut wrenching experience that I am familiar with

all too well. My dday occurred on a Friday night roughly 14 years ago. She was gone all weekend

and come home Sunday but I wouldn't let her back in the house. She stayed in a hotel. Monday morning, I met

a Lawyer as she was getting out of her car and filed for Divorce. I didn't even have an appointment lol.

I implemented a modified 180 because we had two small children 6 and 3 years old.

Anyways, your ww isn't a candidate for reconciliation at the moment. She doesn't respect you and you

have not delivered any real consequences. There needs to be severe consequences for cheating but you are

stuck white knuckling a way to hang on. Moral of this story is all said and done I am still married to the same

woman and I do not live with any regret because of how I handled it.

You need to be willing to lose your marriage if you want to save it.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 2:23 PM, Friday, October 9th]

I can’t escape the feeling that she has spent the last two months mourning the loss of her AP and as of now is only going through the motions waiting for someone else to make decisions for her. You make it sound like a horrible way to live and I can’t help wondering why you want to stay in this relationship. It sounds perfectly awful.

longsadstory1952 you're right. It is an awful experience and current existence.

So, do I keep the new appt with the EFT MC next week and try to explain in the open why I don't think she's reconciliation material yet and that we're wasting our time? Do I cancel everything and put my foot down?

We would use a mediation service so it's not like I have some fancy document to announce divorce. Do I give a deadline to 'get your shit together' and join me by Nov 1st or else.....? Or do I ask her to pay for her half of the mediation services to go through with all of the asset/child custody splitting in hopes it creates some movement.....then I have the actual documents to bring to the county when I decide to do so (or not)?

I do realize and feel that D is the only other option here if she's not ready to reconcile. It's hard to go through with it, but I'm also desperate to move on with my life because I have so much doubt that she will ever do any of the work in the near future. I also want my kids to understand I'm nobody's doormat. Not even their mom's.

If 'EFT' means 'Emotional Freedom Technique', my reco is to go to the appointment and work on the technique.

Desperation is your enemy. Keep reminding yourself that you can survive this and thrive. You have a number of options here, all of which can lead to a good life. I know they all seem like losing options, but they're not.

Be careful with the term 'consequences'. Many people really mean 'punishment', and punishment is neither here nor there, because the WS can't be punished without adding to the BS's hurt. But there are always consequences - sequelae, I think, in Latin - that follow the infidelity.

Focus on your own healing. Process the anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. out of your body. Starting that will help clear your head and see what you're really facing. You can D even if your W is a great candidate for R. You can start R even if she's a lousy candidate, but I hope you don't do that.

Focus on recognizing your strengths and using them. Focus on enhancing your strengths. Processing your feelings is the best 1st step, IMO. The people who do best after being betrayed are those who take control of and responsibility for themselves and give up trying to control the outcome.

Using EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique - is a good way to start.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:03 PM, Friday, October 9th]

EFT- Emotionally Focused Therapy

I personally almost always encourage filing for divorce unless there are some unique hardship issues. Divorce can be stopped but nearly everything at this point is causing pain because of uncertainty. Putting some countdown on the efforts is positive in the sense it can’t really be negatiated and it forces people, if interested, to operate with the requisite urgency.