SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey SI, I felt a pull to post this evening for some reason so here we go. Sorry for the rambling brain dump.

I’ve been pondering my perpetual stuck-ness and noticing that it feels wrong to leave but it feels wrong to stay. I’ve read the book too good to leave but too bad to stay but it hasn’t helped me get any clearer.

He is my family, his family are my family, we had a life plan we were building and making memories together. There’s a safety between us. I love the smell of him on the pillows and feel a soul connection between us.

Equally however, there’s resentment. Whilst there’s love between us, there’s no affection, I don’t want to hold his hand and we don’t have sex. I notice that I’m more cynical now towards men in general and relationships. I feel a deep sense that I won’t find sometime else or have children.

I value having that long shared history. He was always the person I envisioned the father of my kids and that’s mostly why I stayed but I haven’t been able to let go to properly invest in R and rebuild.

It’s 18 months since d-day and I’m still stuck and I am angry at myself for not deciding for giving too much grace when life is short, for letting more of my years go without intention or action. Also I feel awful that I’m still feeling this much ambiguity everyone deserves to be loved even him and it’s not fair my being on the fence still. I think an overwhelming sense I have is judgement. From me to myself, from friends and family, from strangers I don’t even know who know our situation. The shame and embarrassment at staying is exhausting. The fear that if we did rebuild and start a family that our kid wouldn’t be loved or treated the same as others because of how people feel about wayward bf. Because of this, I notice that I’m isolating and pulling away from loved ones. I did remedy this last month but I feel the continued pull to isolate still lingering within at the moment. Like I’m safer alone or just with him.

I wish I was bolder and braver to just say it how it is.

What am I scared of? Hurting his feelings, the relationship ending

Why? I feel sorry for him (he doesn’t have huge support network or friendship group), I don’t want to be without him

But when I am with him lately his voice grates on my nervous system, everything he does annoys me or I find fault in.

I don’t want to regret staying somewhere where we’re not moving forward with our plans or goals, but I don’t want to regret leaving when I’m not fully committing or acting as loving as I once did.

I want to let go. I want to R so this extra time invested hasn’t been for nothing. So people can’t say I told you so. Because we are strong enough to get though tough times. Because everyone relationship has struggles and his affair was our one. Because we are a team and always have been.

I want to let go and either commit fully to R or to let go of my fantasies of our relationship and move on and let go of life and life’s timelines and just be and just breathe.

I just want to be free from the mental torment.

I miss when I didn’t spend every waking minute thinking about my relationship or questioning my life decisions; when I could live each day pure peace. I want peace. I want strength. I want love. I want family. I want a team. I want laughter. I want joy.

How do you let go?

How do you decide something’s worth fighting for?

How do you feel confident in a decision you’ve made?

How do you move forward when a situation is too bad to stay but too good to leave?

Not sure if this made sense but needed to get it out of my head. Thank you.

For me, the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving. XWH wasn't going to change and he wouldn't keep his hands to himself. I wasn't going to stick around for him to continue cheating, giving other women attention and ignoring me.

Since the D, I have felt so much more peace and contentment - and freedom to do what I want when I want.

You seem to have been feeling this stuck way for quite some time. You don’t want to leave, but you don’t feel attracted to him or trusting enough to have real intimacy or enjoy being in a relationship with him. .

You also seem to think that that’s all on you, and that it’s just on you to move on, forget what he did, and then all will be reconciled. Gently, it just isn’t so. There’s a reason that it is said so many times on these boards that reconciliation takes both of you being committed to doing what’s necessary.

You can decide to do whatever you want, but you can’t reconcile just because you want to. That depends on him too, and because he cheated for 4 years, it’s mostly on him. The best you can hope for if he has not accepted FULL responsibility, not only for his affair but for its horrible effects on you and your life, is probably something similar to what you’re feeling right now. If he hasn’t done the real work to figure out how he could betray you so badly for 4 years and accept the consequences for both of you, you’re not going to actually reconcile, even if you stay.

So rather than ask you why you can’t just make up your mind:

Has he done the work to become the man that he should be and the man that you deserve? Is he disgusted by his own affair behavior? Is he completely honest and open with you now about everything, including transparency in all social media and communications?

Is he truly sorry and sincerely apologetic and supportive every single day? Has he ever been that? Is he grateful every day that you are still there or does he push for you to move on?

Does he comfort you and answer all your questions when you need him to?

If not, you’re not going to be able to reconcile because HE isn’t reconciliation material. NO MATTER WHAT you decide, you won’t be able to get to reconciliation.

What you can do is decide to stay anyway, for whatever reason. For the hope that things will somehow change. For the remnants of the history and dreams and beliefs that you had about your relationship (the ones that weren’t true in the first place). For the idea of having a baby with a man that you don’t want to touch you. For financial security. For appearances and fear of what others will think. Or for no reason at all. It really is your life, and you get to decide what works best for you.

But you won’t be reconciled, and your own feelings that you have kept trying to shove down will continue to torment you. You can’t reconcile alone. You can’t just get over it without dealing with it and without a partner who really gets it.

Only you can say if what and who he is now can possibly give you what you need. I’d just say that my guess is that your ambivalence is not just about you but also about the fact that he hasn’t done the work and isn’t who you need him to be to reconcile with him. Maybe you keep trying to blame yourself for not being able to move on because you don’t see any other option that involves him doing the right things.

It seems like you’re trying to negate your own feelings in order to stay. You’re thinking about your family and his family and him and what other people will think and your age and your history and your sunk costs and your hopes. But over and over you come back and talk about your mental torment and how ambivalent and distant you feel—not just from him now, but from others that you care about. You’re shutting yourself and what you need down to try to make this work.

Gently, you can let go whenever you decide to. The world won’t stop. Your life will go on. You will be okay.

You can also decide to stay whenever you want to for whatever reason.

In my opinion, the worst is to stay in limbo, not together but still stuck in his company, tortured by what has happened and the circle of hell that is living with the loss of what you loved and the person who took it away. You may decide that’s what you’re going to do. Lots of people decide to do that for lots of reasons. But if you do, you’d honestly be better off being honest with yourself instead of telling yourself that you’re waiting for something that might happen or working on some kind of solution.

This might not be you at all. It’s just what I’ve felt reading your posts. I’ve lived where you are. I’ve wasted a lot of time there waiting for my WH to do something to fix himself and what he did to our family. It got better for me when I began to tell myself the truth about how likely that was (not) and start taking care of myself and thinking about what I want for my (not our) future.

I hope for you that you find peace and a road to happiness, whatever path you choose.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 6:47 AM, Monday, April 28th]

Thanks Leafields, I don’t think with my WP that he is still cheating (that I’m aware of). Just whether the damage is already done. I don’t know. I like our life but I think maybe I’m romanticising it in my head too much to see clearly.

Nowwhat106 - thank you. That was a really profound response, I will read that over and over to sink in. I probably have been feeling stuck for a long time and I think I’ve been letting life happen and this R to happen without ever fully making a decision on it like he slowly moved back into the house we slowly did more things together and got back to our normal routine. I just wanted him around. I wanted to go back to normal with our lives. I didn’t want some stranger to think she could tear up my family. I craved that closeness and connection with him - I’m not sure where that’s gone now though.

Looking at the work that he’s done, he has taken full accountability for it and he is open and transparent if I have a question him or ask to look at his phone etc.

Is he truly sorry? I think he’s ashamed of himself and wishes he never did it. Apparently, he tried to end things a couple of times during the four years and they’d have periods of not talking, but clearly he didn’t try very hard.

Is he grateful that I’m still around at the moment? Perhaps internally but he doesn’t demonstrate any behaviour that indicates this I would expect more attentiveness from him more closeness. We had a bit of this at the start of this R attempt, but I’ve probably been a bit cold towards him and he did say last year that he doesn’t want to show affection or say I love you because I don’t do those things for him.

Definitely agree that my ambivalence is probably about him as well as me and I’m pushing down my feelings.

I think I’m scared this is just who I am now and maybe I won’t be able to show affection or show love towards a new partner in the way that I used to show him before I knew. Or maybe it is just because I’m so much in my head about our situation that I can’t be those things with him.

I definitely don’t want to be in a limbo relationship for the rest of my life.

What steps did you take to start to let go and decide on life for yourself?

LittleRedRobin23— I can so relate to this post as well. I don’t know if my WS is truly sorry. I think he’s super shamed but I also think he’s still feeling sorry for himself more than feeling bad her hurt me or his family. He claims that’s not true but the fact that he still freezes when I get triggered is why I think that. So yeah, I too feel stuck. It’s too bad to stay but too good to leave… I read that somewhere, not sure if it was here or somewhere else. My brain is all over the place.

So much empathy for you Little Red Robin. I can see so many similarities and I also know so many people know our situation which is embarrassing and I too worry about the impact on my children. But I try not to dwell too much on it and most people are wrapped in their own lives to care too much about mine so I try and put that to one side.

I also cannot show any affection at all (I was bad before but cannot at all now) but feel stuck in my marriage for so many different reasons (financial, emotional, better the devil I know) so I know how hard it is to leave.

Did you ever get that space away from him to see how you feel? Maybe you might find yourself happier without him. A temporary separation.