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The situation that my H allowed himself to be involved in, in his work environment is infuriating and humiliating, these people he wanted to ‘fit in’ and ‘be friends’ with are pure scum.
He has worked there over 20 years and we’ve never had any social contact outside work with anyone, I just don’t mix work and social life and even if I did the majority are not worth a conversation.
I’ve always warned my H about one particular person I really disliked from what I’ve been told, firstly he’s a bully and I can’t stand bullying - zero tolerance for it, secondly I knew he was jealous of my H by the comments my H told me he’d say to him, my H of course didn’t believe me and would say he’s only joking.
He got in with this toxic group and unfortunately lost himself, completely compartmentalised work and home.

My H can see everything for exactly what it was now, he sees what happened, what he did, what he allowed.

I’m angry because he lowered himself to fit in with this vermin class, these people are beneath me, AP is beneath me and I can’t help myself, every so often it’s like a pressure that builds up inside and I have to do this whole ‘mocking’ rant thing. I tell myself I’m not going to do it anymore but I do. It’s not shouting, not aggressive etc it’s mocking, I have to mock him for being such a fool, for wanting to be accepted by a bunch of losers, while he was at work with his pink tutu and his magical tiara, thinking he was a big man lapping up ego kibble in fantasy land, me his wife, was at home alone living in reality, renovating our home, raising 2 boys, taking care of my family and keeping the ship afloat with nobody to stroke my ego! Because I don’t need a bottom feeder to tell me I’m awesome.

I can’t believe he actually felt good about himself because some 19 old warehouse whore who was being used by everyone was simping over him and told him his grey hair looked good, to me that’s like having a proud mum moment because Jeffrey Epstein told you your kids are cute.

Once the mocking session ends I feel better, like a relief. I don’t know why I have to keep doing this because he knows, my H knows what he did, he knows what went wrong and he sits there and takes it all and he agrees and he apologises for what he did. So why do I need to keep doing it?

Something else bothering me lately is that nobody is ever going to pay for this, just me. I’ve been left with a nasty scar for nothing, absolutely nothing, childish, immature behaviour just so stupid.

Thank you for listening, Bruce.

I think eventually it will stop. you are probably still in the anger phase. My xWS was not remorseful and my mocking never stopped. Our M had become toxic both because of him and I had let myself become that way. I did not like who I had become in my M. I ended my M for a myriad of reasons. But I remember the mocking. I think it will eventually stop for you when you are not angry anymore. It takes time.

Don't hold back, Bruce. Tell us how you really feel.

I understand the rage. I really do. There were times when I absolutely shredded my exww. And it felt good. After a while, though, I realized how vicious I could be and didn't much like that aspect of character.

It's the injustice of it all, i think, the sheer imbalance on the scales, that evokes such rage and contempt.

Hey Bruce123 —

So why do I need to keep doing it?

I think you answered your own question:

Something else bothering me lately is that nobody is ever going to pay for this, just me.

You’re attempting to get a little payment, and/or sharing some of your pain.

I did the same for a while.

If your H has any conscience at all, his actions aren’t free, he likely feels bad for his choices.

Any WS worth staying with will likely carry that guilt around quite a while, if not forever.

In my case, my wife betrayed herself and her own standards, but the humiliation is all hers.

None of my wife’s choices or actions reflect on me at all, in any way.

I held up my end and acted with the only truth I knew at the time, and I’m good with that.

I have that emotional scar you mentioned, to go along with the other life trauma scars endured along the way. And none of us ever cause the A that hurts us, we’re collateral damage.

Somewhere though, I had to figure out what kind of M I wanted or if it was time for me to go. That’s when I stopped trying to make my wife feel horrible about her worst days. I eventually wanted to get back to healthy care for each other, so I stopped picking at that scab and let the scar heal up some.

Take as much time as needed to figure that pain and anger out. Sounds to me like you’re processing it and not burying it, which may not feel like progress, but it is.

I'm not the type to mock or say mean things to people in general. It's just not my personality. Even people who are mean to me I don't do that to.

Sometimes, especially after D-day, I wish I had a more abrasive streak in me rather than being so nice to everyone.

I do get pretty angry and upset about how unfair all this is though.

In reality there is no way to ever make this "fair". It's unlikely waywards can really understand the pain they caused, and betrayeds are unlikely to understand how this was okay for them to do.

Instead of venting to my WW about it, I journal it out, or go somewhere I can be alone and have imaginary conversations where I angrily say whatever I feel like. Or I talk to my IC about it. I usually feel better afterwards.

In your case you say you hate bullies, but it sounds like you are acting like one when you are mocking him. Maybe that's something to take a look at.

Bullying, and just a wee bit jealous, perhaps?

(Bruce, always been trying to help; still am.)