Successful self sabotage

I am WP (32M), BP (29F).

We had been together 18 months at time of A, lives together for most of that. Although house shared with others. Dating period progressed very quickly to monotonous relationship and I was very busy studying towards professional exams so admittedly didnt focus enough on the relationship or work on myself.

A series of disagreements and difficulties arose between months 14-16 which we didn’t have the skills to resolve healthily. Prior to that we had also toxic disagreements which I found draining due to my autism. I felt we were incompatible and started feeding the idea that I wanted to separate but procrastinated for many months. In this time I started talking to someone at my local gym.

This progressed to a few dates and we slept together a few times before I initiated split with BP. At the time I was set on not continuing with either of them.

However, due to poor emotional control / boundaries and indecisiveness I was on / off talking with both and developed a rebound relationship with AP as we were in gym together a lot. This went on for around 3 months and we slept together again but also spent a lot of time building a connection.

After a few months I realised the size of the problem and tried to cut off AP numerous times but struggled to maintain boundaries again. Was also offered multiples time the opportunity to end with BP but felt this horrible sensation in my body that kept stopping me.

Have ended up back with BP after a few months of TT, she wants to stay together and still sees marriage and kids on the table. I have been severely ill mentally, pervasive anxiety, depression etc.

I have ended up on SSRI’s as have been having suicidal thoughts for months since disclosure. I feel like a different person who is unable to fulfil my dreams and potential.

Initially stayed with BP out of fear of eternal loneliness and death. After months together she is showing the much maturer side of herself that I wished had been present beforehand. Not sure if I am also more ‘compatible’ now due to my mental illness and severe change in personality and character.

Everything makes me sad and depressed as I know my life will never be the same again and my autism struggles with this, as well as lack of routine I now have. I used to go gym 5 x a week and eat well. This used to ground me day to day but I cannot keep it up at the moment.

By heart I am a builder, whether that’s building a career, physique or home. I wanted to build a family but now feel this dream, or that way I envisioned it is now over. I was naive to enter a rebound relationship and also didn’t appreciate that great relationships are built rather than found.

Looking for advice on how to navigate this crisis and get control over symptoms. BP wants a baby next year which seems way too soon given the scenario.

Thanks

3 comments posted: Monday, June 16th, 2025

Fear: A self fulfilling prophecy

1 comment posted: Saturday, June 14th, 2025

Starting over after failed R

Any Waywards who has to start over after failed R?

4 comments posted: Saturday, June 14th, 2025

What does being healed feel like?

At what point would you consider yourself healed?
E.g. Doesn’t interfere with day to day life

And what are reasonable expectations for healing?
E.g. No intrusive thoughts

9 comments posted: Monday, June 9th, 2025