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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:07 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

I’m so sorry for your situation with your daughter and hope she heals quickly.

I’m also very saddened to read this post. Not just b/c you are a betrayed spouse but b/c your H became physical with you.

That is a huge 🚩

I dare say that the marriage is so broken it seems impossible to fix it. He blames you for his behavior w/out recognition that he can choose to be a better person or he can choose to be a lying cheater who physically hits his wife.

Please get yourself counseling ASAP and also start the process of separating from your H. Perhaps you can reconcile IF he makes changes in his life, such as not being physically abusive to you.

Your children are witnessing this behavior as well and it is also harming them. Breaking the cycle of abuse starts with you and your decision to not allow this to happen again. Ever!

You report escalating physical and emotional abuse to us. You report a long term pattern: abuse - apology - abuse - apology.... You report possible emotional and physical abuse of your daughter ('It's just a tummy bug.')

I don't know exactly how to do this, but I think you need to get away from him ASAP.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:46 PM, Sunday, September 8th]

I agree with the others. This man has all the nice words but his actions are scary and escalating.
See a lawyer, call an abuse shelter… find a way to divorce him. Don’t tell him. Just start laying the groundwork. Your kids need to see their mom not putting up with this. Get IC to help you come to terms that this is not just bad behavior, but is abuse.

Hope your daughter has healed well.

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:08 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

WB— I agree that his not calling an ambulance might have been an honest error- not uncommon with appendicitis. But how he has behaved since is wrong.

Also, my H was also like a totally different person during his A- angry, quicker temper, mean. It’s commonly seen here. Can’t explain it- but they have to make you the bad guy so in their mind they are justified in their A. Crazy making.

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:08 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

Whiskey blues,
Sorry you have been through this. I just wanted to say that although our situations are not the same, some of my husband’s reactions are similar to yours. I had a lot of advice too that my husband’s behaviour was abusive and which it was but I couldn’t really tally up the man I am
Married to and have been with for 14 years as an abuser. it is only recently I have realised that we have been locked in a cycle. Normally he is a really good father and ok husband. The affair turned his behaviour upside down and he was very abusive and it wasn’t acceptable. This combined with the fact I had only given birth six months previously when he started his affair meant that I had a bit of breakdown and told everyone everything which placed me in the victim role and him in the persecutor role and piled on to our shame, me as the victim who wouldn’t leave him as this awful villain and it didn’t help either of us.

I feel a lot better in myself now. I can see how the way I react triggers him and although I know I am not responsible for how he reacts i don’t get drawn in as much and as a result we have a lot less arguments. My husband maybe similar to yours is locked in a cycle of shame and his way of dealing with it is to bury it deep pretend that nothing happened and expects me to do the same so any mention of the A results in defensiveness from him, ‘how dare you mention it’ you are being so mean to me etc. he sometimes shows humility but I think he feels so ashamed that he cannot fully confront what he has done without completely questioning himself as a person.

Do you feel you can stay with him? It is really hard but an affair does really rock the foundations of everything, I feel it has fundamentally changed me as a person and I am not willing to put up with my husbands crap so much anymore.l cycle between hating him but then on good days feeling at peace with my decision to stay and try and keep the family together. Do you feel the same way?

Also apologies if I made that about me! I read a lot on here and I relate a lot to some people and some of what has happened to you seems very similar to how our husbands seem to reacted. It helps me to feel less alone.

But I am very sorry you experienced everything with your daughter and I hope you can do what is right for you and your children. It is just so hard and relationships can really make us do some crazy stuff. People are so messy and we all have our challenges, but you deserve to be treated with respect. It is hard when you are in it and I have been there when my husband has been really disrespectful but I am not tolerating it any more and trying not to get drawn into it and it has made things better and he has made changes.
I don’t know what that looks like for you but maybe leaving him will be the wake up he needs or maybe he will never change and be the person you need. I have had to accept that I cannot change him that has to come from him.

Whiskey and LemonPie, one thing you both mention in your posts is how bad your husbands feel for how they've treated you... and yet they continue to do it.

My guess is that they have the same degree of self-loathing as someone who goes on a late-night ice cream and potato chip binge. Yeah, their stomach hurts and they feel gross.. but there's still a voice in their head that says it wasn't a big deal, they can just restart their diet on Monday, and besides, they deserve to indulge from time to time.

As an exercise, see how they treat people who they really like, respect, and who aren't beholden to them in any way. Do your husbands ever have uncontrollable moments where they lash out at or abuse these people? My guess is no.

So why should you, as their wives, tolerate such behavior?