SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

But this is so much worse. It has left me questioning, more then ever, who he really is and what he has been up to behind my back

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I know exactly what you mean. It's so hard to know what's really going on down in the "basement". He set himself up to not be believed that it's an innocent act. It could be, and I hope it is, but he's playing around with your trust by resurrecting his A behavior.

And it's tough to even think about being intimate with someone who has betrayed your trust so terribly. I get what the guys are saying about it being hard for a man to go without sex, but when you have to essentially betray your own heart and mind in order to be open physically to someone who hurt you, that can be absolutely soul crushing. Tread carefully and honor yourself.

Ss33

"He set himself up to not be believed that it's an innocent act. It could be, and I hope it is, but he's playing around with your trust by resurrecting his A behavior."

Exactly. Even if he hasn't sent it to someone else, or posted it on some dodgy website or something, it is the act of choosing to betray my trust with a behaviour that he knew I would be extremely triggered by. I have spent the whole day internally shaking. I nearly had a breakdown at work (which he knows I am struggling with at the moment anyway), I can't think straight, I again cannot eat, I feel violently sick. It is like I am reliving the immediate physical trauma of dday and the immediate aftermath all over again.

I cannot believe he would even risk me feeling like this ever again. I can't believe he would risk hurting our children again with lies and secrecy 😭

I strongly encourage you to honor your gut. It knows something isn't right. It might or might not be infidelity, but something is disconnected between what you're seeing, what he's saying, and what you're sensing.

I'm sending you a giant virtual hug, and I'm worried about your wellbeing. Do you have access to smoothie shop? If so, I recommend getting a giant one to slowly sip so that you'll remain nourished and hydrated.

"I strongly encourage you to honor your gut. It knows something isn't right. It might or might not be infidelity, but something is disconnected between what you're seeing, what he's saying, and what you're sensing."

Absolutely correct. It might not be infidelity related - but as you say, there is a disconnect. Somewhere along the line, it doesn't add up. He's been lying at some point. What I'm seeing, what he is saying and what I am sensing is not aligning, as you explain.

Here as an example of the type of man I am facing.

He has been trying to talk to me since he came home from work. I've made it clear I am not interested. I said I would like him to leave the home ASAP.

He comes into the kitchen and again, somehow, I very briefly get involved in talking about it. Ugh.

He is trying to claim with the video he made, that he simply did not consider he was doing anything wrong. I said "but of course you knew you were doing something wrong, as you hid it". He replies "I wasn't hiding it". I say "but you deleted it - that IS hiding it". He agrees yes he deleted it, but that's not "hiding" it...

What IS this kind of communication??? Please can someone tell me, what on earth is wrong with him??? He is a smart man with a good career, so he is not stupid.

If I deleted something, then of course I am trying to "hide it". I cannot believe I am drawn into such a ridiculous discussion with an adult!!! What is he trying to do?!

This is what I have been dealing with. It is always a misunderstanding, or he didn't think, can't remember, didn't mean to etc etc... And this is exactly why I have ended up damaging my own mental health, trying to play detective for 15 years 😞

Thank you SS33, it means alot. I can't talk to anyone about any of this. Friends don't understand and I am embarrassed by my marriage now. I don't really have any family to speak of - my mum has not a maternal bone in her body, so I just talk to her on the phone every few weeks about the weather and pretend I am fine, and my dad who I adored died over 5 years ago. I am not close to my siblings. So it's nice to hear someone cares 😘

Oh, and I'm also being "a horrible person", apparently. Because I don't want to communicate with him and that I told him he is "irrelevant". At this point, he has done everything possible to make himself irrelevant in my eyes. And he's surprised by this?

The remorse just oozes from him, as you can tell. And this is why I have asked him to leave the home.

Regardless of what's going on with him, you're at your wit's end and you need some space and some peace. Do you think that he'll leave?

Regarding deleting/hiding, I can understand how he wouldn't want to walk around with that on his phone, and that might be why he deleted it. It may or may not have been a deceptive behavior, but it is a big component of his deceptive behavior in the past, so it's loaded for you. Lying about it and trickle-truthing about it took you right back to those DDay vibes. You can't trust anything he's saying.

Yeah, he packed a bag this morning and has agreed to leave. I can't have something that even begins to resemble an honest conversation 😔

Absolutely devastated that he couldn't make the changes needed for us to R from this. The stress has really taken its toll, so I've contacted my GP and requested some short term medication for the shock and then will consider something longer term in a few weeks.

I can't talk to anyone about any of this. Friends don't understand and I am embarrassed by my marriage now. I don't really have any family to speak of -

I understand as my situation is so similar to yours, no empathy, no remorse, no concern, no desire, lies, minimizing, blame shifting, TT, etc. It's a mess. I recommend an IC as that is where I unload this stuff and this helps my mental health immensely. And porn? What good is it for a healthy marriage? Unless both husband and wife agree and enjoy it together, it is sex that the neglected spouse is not included in.

I've contacted my GP and requested some short term medication for the shock

I'm so glad you did this. Stress can do a real number on you. Hang in there.

Whiskey blues- our situations seem very similar (obviously not the same). My husband hasn’t shown much empathy and I also feel my marriage is a joke and I have no one to talk to about it now.

At least he has agreed to move out. My husband thinks he has done nothing wrong, can’t understand why I am cold or not physically affectionate and will not leave the house. These men😡😡

Anyway, sending you lots of empathy and strength. I t is hard when you didn’t see your life going this way

Unfortunately you recognize the manipulative nature of the cheater.

They are willing to put their own selfish needs ahead of truthfulness and integrity and doing whatever is needed to save the marriage.

The conversations are akin to dealing with a spouse with personality issues- unable to be honest, deception, avoidance etc.

You have to ask yourself - is this a husband or a grown man behaving like a child? Do you want a partner or another human to parent?

My husband tried that crap during reconciliation ad free affair 2. I shut it down very quickly because I had planned to D him. I was very clear that he can say or think whatever he wants. But I get to decide if the behavior is something I can live with and if I choose not to live with it, then we have no choice but to D.

How quickly things changed when he realized I was no longer going to appease him to avoid an argument. When he realized I was not going to bs k down anymore, HE had to change. Luckily for him he did.