SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm generally of the opinion that you shouldn't keep secrets from children like, they're adopted, or maybe one of their parents isn't actually their biological parent. That it's better to tell them often and early enough that it's something they're aware of, and not some giant shock when they're older and you tell them and/or they find out accidentally.

There's a large age gap between my two children, so at the height of the affair when my FWS had moved out, our oldest was aware of what was going on ("Daddy has a girlfriend, and you're not supposed to have any other girlfriends when you're married and have a wife."), and our youngest was a toddler and not even talking yet...

This was 6-7 years ago. FWS and I are legally separated, but we started living together again during the pandemic, and have been in a relationship ever since.

A couple of years back, when our youngest was probably about 6, it came up that a classmate's parent's weren't married, just "boyfriend and girlfriend." I mentioned that, technically FWS and I weren't married, but there's all different types of families. She responded, "If you're not married, then who is my mother?" I explained I'm still her mother, it just meant that her dad & I weren't married, but we still love each other and live together as a family. She seemed to undertand and didn't have any more questions.

A couple of days ago, we went to a baby shower, and I got dressed up and put a ring on my left ring finger. She noticed (I usually don't wear rings), and asked me if it was my wedding ring. I explained that it's my family ring, because it has three birthstones, for FWS & my two kids. She then asked why I don't wear my wedding ring. I explained I don't wear a lot of jewelry, but this was for a fancy party, so I got dressed up. She said that FWS always wears his wedding ring (it's true), and that I should wear mine, too. (I haven't since the affair.)

I just said that I like my family ring better because it's for everyone, but she just replied that I should really wear my wedding ring.

I'm wondering if/when I/we should ever mention what happened with FWS' affair, living separately between 2018-2020 etc.

She's only 8yo, so it feels really weird to bring it up now, but my worry is that her older brother or another family member might mention it one day, and she'll be totally caught off guard that this all happened when she was little, but too young to remember.

Also, a week or so ago, she randomly asked me if I knew any cheaters. I was caught off guard and asked what she meant, but when she explained, it was more like, cheating at cards, not having an affair, but it got me thinking...

I'd rather her not find out and have it be a shock when she's older, but randomly bringing this up also feels like a really inappropriate conversation to have with a kid that's still in elementary school.

That is a difficult situation to know how to navigate. I know children at that age start wanting the larger world to make sense to them, so these kinds of "concrete thinking" questions she is asking you fit with her age and stage, but it makes me wonder what else she has heard or asked anyone else about. Do you think she has asked your WH any such questions? Maybe ask him what she has brought up with him, and that might help clarify how to answer her?

Do you think she has asked your WH any such questions?

FWH was in the vicinity when she asked me if I knew any cheaters, I realized she meant cards/games, and she asked him right after I told her I couldn't think of anyone.

The look on his face when she asked him! It was almost comical.

And then the relief when he realized she was asking in the context of playing games...

I think the question & comment about me wearing a wedding ring are coincidences, or she saw something on TV or heard something from a friend? I genuinely don't believe anyone has said anything to her specifically about what happened between us, but it did just make me realize that this might come up one day, and if/how it might be better to address it with her so it's not a shock?

I wouldn't be surprised if the question of your marital status has come up with a friend or friends. Your arrangement is unusual, and even an adult might be perplexed if they didn't guess the back story. She knows that you were married at one point, because you have rings, and yet you're clear that you don't regard yourself as married now. She's likely seen what divorce means in her friends' lives: Mom and Dad stop living together, and the kids move back and forth between homes. She might be worried that the dissolution of your living arrangement is still on the table.

If she is poking around this question, it becomes awkward for your son to know the back story when his sister does not. Have you ever had a conversation with him about what to do if she asks him for an explanation?

Also, while your DD didn't mean infidelity when she asked about cheating, that doesn't rule out the possibility that the question is related to your marriage. If a friend told her that parents divorce when one of them cheats, she might believe that you split up over shady dealings in a Monopoly game.

Today was interesting, because she asked me if FWS & I got divorced, would she & her brother have to go back and forth between us every day.

I asked her why she was worrying about this -- is it something we said? Something she saw on TV? Something happening to a friend in school? (Honestly buying some time.)

She said no, she just wanted to know.

I said that she asked about cheating recently, and then she commented on my wedding ring, so I asked if she was sure she wasn't worried about something with me and her dad?

She insisted that she wasn't, she was just curious. That because he wears his ring all the time, I should, too. (I put it back on, and honestly it feels so weird now... I remember when it felt weird taking it off...)

I told her that FWS and I actually broke up when she was little, and asked her if she remembered. She said she didn't. I explained that we have no plans to not be living together as a family, but in the past what we did is she and her brother stayed with me during the week because I always did school drop off, and FWS would take them out to dinner on Wednesday nights and have them on the weekends. I told her that we made that plan when they were little, but she and her brother are much older now, so we would listen to what they wanted more, and we could do something like two days with one parent and three with the other, or one week with one parent, one week with the other, whatever we all felt worked best as a family.

But... again, there were no plans for us to stop being together/living as a family like we are now.

She seemed placated, didn't ask any follow up questions, and I didn't bring up the reason why we broke up/were living apart.

I am still curious what's brought this all up, but she's like a vault (unfortunately), so I doubt she'll explain why.

Well done!

Our GS, too, does not share his feelings. His parents' D and the years of fighting the preceded it are probably what caused him to shut up. My parents fought like cats and dogs, and I shut up. In retrospect, I couldn't trust them, and maybe that's what motivates our GS and other kids, too....

I do not mean to cause a guilt trip. Each of us has to be true to ourselves - but that (probably) always has unintended consequences.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:29 PM, Monday, June 16th]