SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:20 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

I’m sorry for you.

This is manipulation 100%.

And if you think he’s done it in the past, I would believe he probably has, based on this last interaction.

Really shady behavior.

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:20 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

Wow...

This is beyond manipulative. This is abuse.

First of all: Recording you without your knowledge or consent isn’t legal in the UK, so any use he might make of the recording is dubious and can even turn in his hands.

Second: This is premeditation. He is recording with a purpose or goal. It’s no accident, not the first, not something that just happened.

Third: In your last thread he was packing a bag to leave. Thread before that is titled Still no change in three years...
There are other threads ranging back with names like Giving up, Broke no contact and so on.

Friend – what change are you expecting from him?

He is setting you up for something with that recording. And none of it good.

He is not a safe person to be around.

He texts an apology? Coward is the only word that comes to mind.

Part 1:

For a while (as the betrayed), I had set up a shortcut to start recording on my phone for my own protection.

In fact, many people here will advise a VAR or other means of recording and protecting yourself even if legally dubious.

I'm not suggesting your WH is *right* to record you, but it's entirely possible he is afraid your relationship is coming apart and doesn't want you to have any extra ammunition on him or claim false DV against him. He has probably gotten his own advice on the internet on that sort of thing.

My guess is that you guys are in a pretty bad place and he is doing this *more* out of self protection than specific manipulation.

Part 2 to my response based on part 1:

He is 100% lying to you that he has never done this before or that he forgot he did it. Most likely he has it on a shortcut (e.g. a double press of the volume down button). That lie is much more suspect than the behavior itself, but is probably a part of a pattern of his self interest and self protection. He is trying to minimize and deny, which is a terrible pattern for a wayward to show.

You guys are not in a good place right now, and I think you really ought to be considering was sort of relationship you want with this man.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 5:00 PM, Friday, June 20th]

I'll suggest that even if your H recorded your fight to protect himself against you, in case you have recordings that you'll doctor to make him look guilty, he's over all reasonable lines by not complying with your demand to be left alone, and even more over the line by taking your 'phones.

This sounds like physical abuse to me, or at best, one step before painful physical abuse.

Have you started D proceedings? Again, what's holding you back?

What support do you have IRL?

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:21 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

You need to get the hell out of that relationship. The stress is slowly killing you. Sometimes soon you are going to have high bp, stroke, cancer, autoimmune disease, etc. Take your pick. Stress is cumulative and you now have a boatload of it. A lawyer, a doctor, a therapist should be on speed dial.

It sounds like he's trying to set you up for either a DV charge, or having you institutionalized. If you stay, don't be surprised when this happens. You can be in your feelings later, but right now, you need to get out. You aren't safe.

It sounds like he's trying to set you up for either a DV charge, or having you institutionalized. If you stay, don't be surprised when this happens. You can be in your feelings later, but right now, you need to get out. You aren't safe.

I agree with this 300%. You need to get away from him.

It does sound like he is trying to set you up for a DV charge or is just a freakin weirdo like my xWS he recorded my reactions to him. My xWS is a monster with a sick personality disorder. I remember how it felt to be recorded and I empathize with you. My xWS would know exactly what to say to get me upset then record me once I was upset. It was a literal mindf**k and seriously sick.

I would leave him honestly this is not healthy for you anymore. I would stop hoping to see whatever "good" person you thought you saw in him. This is also a side of him believe it!

I agree you need to end this marriage.

We can only guess about why he’s recording you secretly but you should know the laws in your state. In some states if you are being secretly recorded w/out your consent, he can be charged for that and the recording is illegal. This he could not use it against you.

Is he using it to gain custody of minors children?

Is he using it to have you committed?

Is he using it to "protect" himself? Have you committed? Putting it out on social media?

He’s not a safe person to be around. He enjoys cheating and lying and torturing you.

I agree you need to get away from him. Or at the very least to stop engaging. Read up on the hard 180 see a lawyer and start making plans to get away from him.

The stress he is causing is killing you.

Google "the hotline" or "DV hotline" for your country to be connected to support and resources. They can help you make a plan to get out of the relationship.

You know, I've read some of your posts from time to time and saw similarities in our situations (e.g., young kids, evil in-laws), and so I've been rooting for you guys.

But I think this may be the end of that.

He reminds me of a psycho boyfriend I had in my early twenties--he was the "hot, dumb bad boy," not exactly my best decision-making period--who shoved me one time, and when I was crying about it, attempted to surreptitiously record me (although he did it very obviously, because, stupid) and quiz me on what had just happened to prove... what? I don't know. He's dumb. He asked me, "So, what do you think I just did?" and I spoke into his phone directly, "You hit me, you psycho." Anyway, in his mind, he was obviously trying to frame me for something, or just simply the fact that he's the one recording means I'm lying or the one who's actually committing DV. Essentially, he was trying to harm me in some way.

But he was an all-around bad, bad man--cheater (of course) and criminal. And now your description of your WH truly resembles him.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve it, and neither do your children.

[This message edited by Revenger at 3:54 PM, Monday, June 23rd]

Whiskey

What concerns me the most is that if he’s recording there needs to be some purpose or goal for him to record. It’s not for him – he doesn’t need to "prove" or show anyone how you are (as he sees it). I don’t know if it’s to convince your doctor to commit you, convince the cops you are abusive, convince your family that you are at fault or whatever.
Not that it’s the issue...
The issue is that no matter whom he might be convincing, its not to improve your relationship. It’s not as if he’s goading you to anger to record you to show a therapist to help improve your relationship. It’s more likely to be used to his advantage – not the MARRIAGES advantage.

What this reflects is that you two (at least in his eyes) are enemies, and not necessarily working to the same goal. The rift between you – the conflict – to him it’s more important to win it rather than to resolve it.

I think you need a serious sit-down with him where you simply ask "what is it you want?"
Of course – ask yourself the very same question.
If it’s to "win" the infidelity... well... nobody wins.
If it’s to "win" the conflict in the marriage... with one loser in a partnership the marriage will never be strong. If he "wins" the argument, the public opinion or whatever by making you the "loser" the marriage has lost.

If he says he wants to remain married – you two need a serious discussion on how you view marriage. Then you set off towards reaching your goals.
If there is ANY other reason... Well... Divorce.

Nobody "wins" divorce. he doesn’t need proof of "Crazy-Whiskey" to divorce. Not any more than you need to prove to anyone that you don’t want to be married to him. To divorce all that is needed is that one of the partners no longer believes the marriage is sustainable.

WB, in your posts you go into all this gory detail about what he did and how terrible it is, and it doesn’t matter. You could just have easily have posted a single sentence." POS did typical POS things." And captured everything important. The details do not matter. He is not going to change.

The only thing I look for when I read your post are answers to the questions, why do you take it? Why do you let him treat you this way? Why do you live in a prison of your own design?

The answer to your problems involves the answers to these questions. You have reasons for putting up with it that are absolutely valid for you. What are they?

And if you are going to put up with it, then just put up with it. Know that he is who he is, he is not going to change, he’s going to continue to do horrible things that are abusive, and just accept it. Stop struggling, stop wishing for a different reality, and accept the one that you are in.

If you accept him as he is, and stop struggling against his bullshit, then you may find yourself freed up of a lot of emotional angst. When he pulls his crap, you won’t respond like you have in the past because you’re unsurprised and it’s not that big a deal. Just a POS doing his thing, different day, same BS.

He is a manipulator. When you see through it by accepting it as it is, you weaken his ability to f*** with you. So even if you don’t leave, you still take your power back. And that is a win.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 10:49 PM, Tuesday, June 24th]