SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sex is a normal human physiological behavior. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself — just enjoy it

Things were decent until he told me that when I have sex with him, he knows things are ok with me emotionally.

So I haven’t really had sex with him since then. Because it’s not ok. And if that makes him realize it, then fine.

The hysterical bonding after DDay 1 was very intense, and I had taken his blame shifting BS to heart so there was emotion and urgency behind it for me. After the HB period waned, I felt intense sadness and humiliation and "the ick" kicked in. I'd say that for me, the extreme high of HB was followed by an equally extreme low. I had to slow things down until I worked through some stuff.

@3yrsout wow - a comment like that would have made my blood boil I reckon.

I told my WH from the start that we will never make love again. I’ll f&ck him and that’s it. He took away the ‘specialness’ of love making when he took to sex outside our marriage. It is no longer a special bond we have together.

2 years out that’s exactly what it still is for me. Nothing more than a physical pleasure - no emotions attached. I do however think as a woman that nay be uncommon. But I’ve always been able to departmentalise when it comes to sex. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Webbit:

I told my WH from the start that we will never make love again. I’ll f&ck him and that’s it. He took away the ‘specialness’ of love making when he took to sex outside our marriage. It is no longer a special bond we have together.

Of the many many losses associated with infidelity, this one hits hard for me. Emotional, connective, lovemaking was always special and dear to me. I miss it.

3yrsout: wow. That is a sucky comment. I would have stopped the sex at that point also.

PurpleMoxie: agreed, I think that is what happened with me, intense HB, then intense low.

Webbit: That’s me too, I’ve just never said it to him, but it’s how I feel.

We are now on a sex pause until I get my head on straight!

PurpleMoxie: agreed, I think that is what happened with me, intense HB, then intense low.

If you don't mind my asking, how long did your period of HB last?

Pogre,

My DD was NYE 2024.

HB is still going strong, every day sometimes twice, only time off is when Mother Nature comes for a visit. My drive has always been high, a little higher than my H’s and even before DD if I could have it daily I definitely would’ve. Now it’s more of a reclaiming I think and something that I must have, I’ll admit that I used to enjoy pleasing H but now it’s focused on me, sort of ‘nobody leaves until I get what I came for’ type of attitude.

I remember asking the same question a while back and I was told HB lasts for a year and it’s normal, TBH even if it weren’t are you stopping?, nope. Me neither. I’m getting what I came for, If I can get a slice of being content, relaxed and at peace, be it for a short while I’m having it.

I would say do whatever you feel comfortable with and what you really want to do. Sex is such an intimate thing - I gave up on it with my husband, I'm not interested and I'm not missing much anyway, but if you want to do it, do it. If you don't...DON'T. If it feels fake or invasive to you, or makes you feel less, definitely don't do it. Whatever you really feel, go with that, don't be performative or because you "have to". You don't "have to", LOL.

It reminds me of the end of the movie "Eyes Wide Shut" where a married couple go through some weird experiences (I think some of it was cut frankly) that might involve cult sexual behavior or other weird shit. Anyway at the end of it all, the wife says to the husband.....Let's go F right away. Or something like that. I guess her reasoning was that she thought they needed to rebuild the basic connection between them as quickly as possible. I think there's some truth to that in many people and I'm sure that's what the HB is about - rebuilding and reasserting connection. On the other hand there's people like me who are....not with a damn 10 foot barge pole. It's whatever you really feel, there's no rule book here.

We did the hyper bonding thing And sex in all kinds of weird places. But for me we were just f$&king. My mind was saying this is what she did with him. So it definetly wasn’t special for me. She was sort of getting it but was in full on survival mode and would have done anything I wanted. I mean at that point she has no other option. Lose your cushy life or shack up with the AP. Walls were closing in and her options were drying up. She’s forced to use sex as a commodity to save her marriage. Power struggle is over and she lost. With no more options the wayward is clinging to whatever will make the BS at least tolerate them. They are still trying to control the relationship but thier hold on the BS is waning fast. Once the BS starts getting thier foothold and moves into the drivers seat the wayward now becomes a passenger. What’s left to manipulate. Sex. They are screwing for survival. I’m doing it because it feels good for a bit. It isn’t loves, it isn’t limerance. My wife just became a piece of ass I could basically have when I wanted.
I think it got us through some really dark times but it wasn’t some great love story. Just two people using each other. The hard work was yet to come.