SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LowTide

Apologies if this has been already asked and answered, but have you considered having your W take a polygraph test? It could go a long way in easing your mind.

Low Tide,

I hate that you have experienced this and remain tormented by it. I almost wish I hadn't read your story, but I did, and one thought for you to consider is that the firmness of your commitment to remain married is directly related to your wife's unwillingness to give you what you need. Your comfort, mental health, and stability haven't proven to be significant enough for her to help you, sadly.

That hurts me to write, and I'm sure it hurts you tremendously to know, but years of her lying have made this an undeniable fact. Knowing you will remain married to her while she ducks and dodges truth leaves her without sufficient incentive to change anything.

She knows you are with her regardless, so why would she choose to muster up the courage when she doesn't need to? In her eyes, the cost stemming from the truth doesn't benefit her. She has your love, affection, and heart already, without having to change, so why would she?

This is the cold reality, I'm sure you have come to realize, and somewhat related to what your psychiatrist indicated when he cited some of your challenges may come from not accepting the reality of your decision to stay with her years ago.

Life is worth living, and I hope peace and happiness find you once again. It can happen.

Low tide,

Assume the worst. For all your questions, whatever the worst answer is, make that your reality (it likely is the reality). And then decide if you can continue to live with her.

Why does she lie, change her story? Well, she probably started by trying to protect herself, or you.

At this point, she probably can’t keep up with all the nonsense. And over the years, her vision of what she did, who she was, why, has probably changed. Maybe a lot. She may not be so sure of what reality is, or was, anymore.

We hear a lot that WWs "rewrite" the marriage to justify the affair. Perhaps they also "rewrite" the affair, for the same reason. To feel better about themselves. Nobody wants to be the villain in their own story.

Did she love you then? Did she love him then? Forget about it.

Does she love you now? That’s what matters.

Best wishes.

well it’s not that often I see someone who has been with thier wife this long. I met my wife when she was 15 and I was 16. She cheated on and off throughout our marriage. My wife pulls the same detail stunts. It’s gaslighting and trickle truth. It’s her way of rationalizing that she knows best. She knows what you can handle. What you need to know. She’s compartmentalizing it to absolve her guilt and keep the status quo. My wife quit talking about details. I hated her for it. Still do when I think of those events. You have to come to peace with this simple fact. Unless you have a movie camera in the room from different directions filming the whole thing you will NEVER know the full truth. Like a cop coming up to a crash site you have to take the facts and draw your own conclusion. She can say whatever she likes , create whatever reality she needs to justify her actions. But you need to draw your own conclusions and remember that naive blind trust is a stupid myth we were led to believe. You have had your eyes opened. I found that really hard to navigate. Trust but verify. Truer words have not been spoken.

I don’t post often, but might have something to offer here.

Briefly, married 50 years now. He has had 7 affairs according to the most recent DDay and his "full truth" in June 2024.

The changing story of the affair hits home.

In 1977, I found a note from "Leslie" in his guitar case. It said "Thank you for the beautiful evening. Love, Leslie."

First of all, HE KEPT THE NOTE, which told me a lot. Leslie was the sister of his very close bandmate.

So I asked what it was about. He denied anything of importance, and said she was going through a rough time and they talked.

I asked about sex, kissing…anything. I was suspicious. He denied anything of the kind, but deep inside I knew he was lying.

A few months later, he walked out on me and our baby. He said, "I don’t love you, I never loved you, and I never will love you." We were NOT fighting, we really never have. There were no disagreements. There were no sexual issues. At the time and even now, this event was rooted in his working in bars all the time as a musician, with women hitting on him. He wanted to be free for all of that "action".

When he returned a few months later, he immediately cheated with two other women. One I caught, and one he kept secret for over 40 years.

When he cheated with the one I found out about, I asked for confession. I asked AGAIN about Leslie. He still denied. This was in 1978.

Fast forward and in 2005 I again catch him cheating. In his "confessions" he never told me about the secret AP from 1978. And I specifically asked about Leslie again.

He said nothing happened. I was paranoid.

I also asked about other women in our lives, including my neighbor. He denied everything.

Then, I discovered an online EA in 2023, and it had been going on for at least 3 years. Probably more. He couldn’t deny much about the EA because I called that woman, and had all the texts and emails and photos and everything. I demanded full confession of EVERY OTHER WOMAN or I would leave.

He realized I was about to leave. At first, he and Leslie "only kissed". That story was a lie, and I called him on it. I also found a letter he wrote to his EA partner years before they became "lovers", and in it he mentioned her sister. From what he said, I knew he slept with the sister.

I confronted him and his eyes about popped out of his head. He confessed, but minimized.

I refused to believe him. So he trickle truthed. He finally came clean on the sister, but changed the story on Leslie.

"It was oral sex, one time, because she didn’t want to get pregnant." He stuck with that for a YEAR.

But I knew it was a lie.

I finally had enough, and was packing my car. He begged me to hear the truth.

It was "oral sex once, full sex a second time". And he told me he slept with the neighbor twice, and he minimized that.

I have no idea what the actual truth is. And it affects me every single day.

People want to know the truth of their lives. And I think our spouses owe us that much.

I remain so appreciative of the feedback from a bright, diverse group of people who have all walked some version of the path of surviving betrayal.

I've been speaking with my psychiatrist and my wife in marital therapy every week. I feel fortunate that he knows me and what I need to know to heal and move forward.

I also came across an article on the National Center for Emotional Wellness site that speaks directly to me. I'm wondering if others have seen it and if you agree with the sentiments expressed about the importance of knowing the TRUTH.

Thank you all so much for helping me on this journey of healing.