SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Edit: I forgot only WS's can reply

[This message edited by WB1340 at 11:50 AM, Sunday, September 21st]

No stop sign.

Just getting caught up on your thread. Im glad you posted here and it looks like youve already received some great feedback.

There is a thought that Id like to put forth and it has to do with empathy. Have you ever seen stories where people walk through the day with noise cancelling headphones in order to better understand what a deaf loved one goes through? Or black out masks/goggles to better understand a blind loved one? Or these crazy glasses that are completely disorienting to understand drunkenness? I wish there were something like that for waywards to better understand the shattering disorientation of discovering marital betrayal. To try and dial in a much greater depth of understanding of what they inflicted on their spouse. To immerse themselves in that reality.

The best we have is reading real life accounts. Id encourage you to read extensively in the Just Found Out forum and/or the bios of some of the other posters to get a deeper understanding. Theres a great post at the top of the Wayward section entitled "Things that every WS needs to know" which Id recommend you read over and over.

There are tell tale signs in your post that I will not enumerate again that indicate that this (empathy development) is a very real issue and the lack thereof may well be tied to your own previous traumas. I hope you can explore that in more depth in your own IC.

In the meantime, read and keep reading the accounts of the betrayed. Dont avoid the shattering pain and disorientation. Let those words have their way deep inside you. Pause and reflect...a lot.

Gently as I can, "infidelity" is such a sterile word. Treason and betrayal are more impactful. Every betrayed here understands completely why your previous years of relationship are called into question by your BH post Dday.

Reconciliation is a work of years with no garuntee, a fact I know all too well after trying for almost a decade and never truly reaching R.

I wish you both well.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 11:59 AM, Monday, September 22nd]

I have typically not replied to any other posts. Part of that might be that I am struggling so much with the catastrophic damage my infidelity and subsequent disclosure have done that I am not in a place where I can help others process the issues and topics they post about. Part of it is I often feel totally lost and need the support of this community to help me feel grounded and realize that others have successfully trodden this path (whether success means reconciliation or divorce). In short, although I hope I can be as helpful to others one day as some of the posters have been to me, I feel like I have very little to offer right now.

That said, the OP has been kind enough to leave some very helpful posts on my threads and doubletracion's suggestion to read from the JFO board resonates with me so I feel like posting here is okay. I often worry my obsession with the stories from BS is me pain shopping and sometimes it definitely is; however, I think continually reading from the point of view of the BS has helped give me some idea of the hell my wife is in right now. Even with all my preparation, I have been shocked at how she has responded (often unconsciously). Every BS will be different, but response to trauma seems to have a lot of basic commonalities.

One thing that has surprised (mainly because my infidelity was 20 years ago, but just barely disclosed) is how disorienting that time period and even much of the last 20 years is now to my wife. She often refers to it as bizarro world or says it would be easier for her to believe me if I said I was just kidding and it didn't happen. She will say that she wishes she could watch that time as a movie so she could see what she obviously did not see at the time. She is replaying significant events in her mind and trying reconcile the world she knew that I just shattered with the world that she now knows and it is a mind fuck as she often says.

My timing is very different than OP as it was a LTA from 20 years ago, but I have felt very similar to her based on her posts and responses. Where she thinks she and BS had great communication and should be able to resume that as her recent short-term affair should not negate years of great communication, I definitely have thought the last 20 years of being a faithful husband and father will lessen the impact of my disclosure. My limited experience is that is not at all the case. The trauma is significant and all past is now a question mark. In my case, my wife has no ability to distinguish between the time of the affair and the subsequent 20 years. She is questioning everything she knows.

I also have been surprised by how disorienting and traumatic the disclosure has been for me. Just typing anything about how this impacts me triggers shame and guilt because fuck me I am the one who is causing the trauma. That said, one thing I know from therapy is I need to work on myself and process this if I am ever going to be a whole person for my BS. I thought my extensive prep would enable me to focus solely on my wife and helping her heal.

I was totally unprepared to see the damage first hand. Seeing someone you love and who loves you beyond anything you have felt in the worst pain to imaginable and knowing you are the tormentor is hell beyond anything I have known. I find it is so raw that my first instinct is to want to hide and change the narrative in my head. I have no idea if OP is experiencing anything similar, but her posts on my threads have helped me and I feel kinship with her so maybe that is why the excellent feedback has not landed as well.

I really want OP to reconcile and pray her BS will start healing. Infidelity is so destructive and I feel personally devastated when I read about an end result being complete ash vs something that has been rebuilt. I have been impressed by OP maturity and introspection as she is really young compared to me. At her age I was just about to start my affair and know I would never have had the ability to think about my actions as critically as she has. Praying for her and all of us.

** Member to Member **

I am choosing to believe that this is not a result of malicious intent,

That's a good start. From what you say about yourself, that's a significant change, and it's a change that will help you.

*****

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