SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't been here in a very long time… coming up on 14 years since initial discovery (Sep 25, 2011), so this time of year is always VERY triggery for me. We have reconciled, but the pain from these triggery times is no less intense since day 1-- just far less common as the years roll on.

I have an extensive set of documents from the A… journals, notes from therapy, messages between them, quotes and threads from SI I saved, etc, etc. I rarely go back and look at any of that stuff, but I have a strong attachment to it, and have not deleted any of it. I can't logically provide a reason why, but if I had to guess, it's "proof" this thing happened; justification or rationalization for why I feel the way I do, and a history of how we got here. It's probably 90% nasty, destructive material, so it's just stupid to hold on to it, but man… I am struggling to dump it and can't put a name on the fear behind that.

Anyone else have this 'lockbox' of artifacts? I need help understanding why the need to keep it, and maybe just some blunt advice that it needs to go.

Often enough we let trauma define who we are rather than accepting that it is merely something that happened to us. I'm simplifying, of course, because there's far more to it than this.

You're holding on to this library because, I suspect, you think by getting rid of it you're losing a part of your identity, an aspect of who you are as a person. Plenty of betrayed spouses experience the same thing, including me. We hold on to everything because we've allowed the trauma to define us.

In truth, however, it's just baggage. Letting go is liberating.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 3:13 PM, Thursday, September 18th]

DWBH - I'm right there with you. 16 years and I've got all of that stuff. Notes, confessions, journals, phone records -- can't bring myself to get rid of any of it.

I think one fear we all have (and in my situation it was and is the absolute case), is that we don't have all of the information; or that some things just don't add up or make sense. If new info or a new memory surfaces, will the file help it to all make sense? I know I would be kicking myself if another question came up, and I knew I had thrown away the answer.

I agree with your sentiment that it's somehow proof that something happened. My wife was one who denied and denied until I had proof, and I think if the proof were now gone she'd go back to denying again.

Because there comes a time, often, when Your spouse will claim they don't remember or will claim something never happened or will rewrite history.

This will feel like another betrayal even 30 years later.

Last spring out of the blue while we were walking my WW said she called OM1 by another name and said he was Portuguese. While I thought it funny it was also profoundly disturbing.

But having only things said and remembered I could not show WW anything

I am your person.

And I have a reason - in case it happens again.

If I D him no one would believe me that he’s a cheater. I had a hard time convincing people the last time.

I have it all. And I will not get rid of it. Never destroy the evidence.

You don't have to look at it - but you should always have it in a safe place. Just in case.

God Forbid you ever need it.

I am strongly in the keep the evidence camp. You named my reason, proof that this thing happened to me, to us, and justification for the way I am now, deeply changed as a person. My WH did a great deal of lying, minimizing, gaslighting, contradicting…. Getting to the truth of my life and marriage was a long hard journey. I can’t allow him a chance to try to rewrite the facts moving forward.
I am almost 8 years out and I used to think that I would someday burn the journals and all the hard copy I made of their digital trails, but I just feel in my gut I need to hang on to it. I have back ups of all the digital stuff in password protected files. I keep a binder full of my research on infidelity and recovery, my self help books and the folder with hardcopies of their communication and travel receipts. It’s a lot. Maybe keeping it’s not the healthiest approach to moving forward, but it feels necessary, like insurance and maybe validation. Also maybe a physical reminder to myself to never get blindsided again.

Keep it if it helps you. But put it somewhere that it’s not in your line of site or easy to access. Box it up and store at a friend‘s house or in a storage unit or under the bed or wherever. You just don’t want to be reminded of it all on a daily basis.

I think, like most of us, it's a very personal decision. I kept my "evidence" (some cards and notes) for 10 years until DDay 2 and then for another 2-3 years. After talking to my IC, she really challenged me on why I was keeping it. The reconciliation part of my healing has been going well, it's the personal healing portion (they are linked so you need to be careful putting them in silos) is what I've struggled with. But her challenge was really: "How is this stuff helping you heal?" and I didn't really have a good answer. I DIDN'T want it to be part of my identity any longer so I shredded them (trust me, I stood over that shredder for what seemed like a half hour before finally doing it which speaks to how much I was attached to this stuff). The uniqueness of these decisions I think, as some have mentioned, can get into discussions around "evidence" if you're still unsure of how you're journey is going to end. At this point, I think mine will end with us staying together. Without knowing your exact situation, I'd say toss it. I was looking at this stuff daily at my worst and weekly at best. Now to recall it, since it's gone, I have to go through a mental exercise to do that and I've decided it's not worth the energy. I know what happened (most of what I think I can get at this point given it was 15 years ago) and I don't need the cards/notes as a constant reminder. That's letting them "win" IMO. I'm a sports nut so I'll use the analogy of an athlete who's gone through a gut-wrenching loss. You'll hear the good ones say that they work through it and then quickly move onto the next game/match/etc. Not quite that simple for us but I think the approach is valid. Replaying it over and over is the part of the process that we're all trying to move on from. Having that shit around was not helping me. I hope you come to a decision that works for you. Getting rid of it has for me and honestly after about a month I stopped thinking about it.

For me, it is always about the life you’re aiming for.

In six or seven years, I had journaled a ton, copied and pasted stories from SI, articles on infidelity, vented a great deal and included some of the letters I wrote my wife along the way. It was over 400-pages!

About two years ago, I reviewed most of it and then chose to delete it all.

I don’t miss it at all.

I am not defined by my wife’s shitty choices.

Hell, I don’t even define her by her worst days either.

I have the emotional scars, I don’t need additional proof of my pain or any reminders that bad stuff happened.

I’ll always know what happened.

I’ll always hate what happened.

I take comfort with the fact I will never be happy about infidelity.

However, I also chose to rebuild my life. I also chose to rebuild my M.

I find I can both hate aspects of the past, and find some better memories as well while making newer, happier days now.

At some point, I discovered misery is a choice, and I had been miserable long enough.

What 1st wife wrote resonated

If I D him no one would believe me that he’s a cheater. I had a hard time convincing people the last time.

If you have a spouse who maintains a flawless reputation and the admiration of others, you had better keep your evidence or WW charm might convince even you that it never happened.

My DD was only 9 months or so ago but I still wanted to reply because I had a really bad struggle with this.

I have a terrible memory, everything including timelines etc was on my notes app on my phone, it got to a point where I was making more timelines based on things said and AP’s videos etc, I would sit all day obsessing over everything and creating he said she said lists in date order and it was consuming me. I knew it was damaging me, totally unlike me and I didn’t like it.

I decided to delete everything, absolutely everything. I decided that in order to keep moving forward I needed to let go of things that are not good for ME, I don’t need dates, times, months etc of what happened and when because I already know, if my brain forgets something it’s because it renders that information as no longer required - no longer relevant and exactly where it needs to be - forgotten.

IMO you need to keep it because it’s proof of what happened to you, you don’t need to prove to a single solitary soul what happened to you, not a soul. You know what happened and that’s all that matters. Burn it - let it go.

I appreciate all the replies... it helps to know I'm not crazy obsessive for holding on this shit for so long. I passed the point a long time ago of keeping it for "evidence". Without going into details of our sitch, it would never matter, or become a matter of 'proving' it to anyone. If for some godforsaken reason it happened again, we're done 100%, no questions or discussion, just moving on, and that's that. While I have collected some helpful/good stuff along the way, 95% is just toxic trigger-making garbage. I will be deleting it all shortly.

I had to ask myself if I was saving it so I could keep my pain fresh, or a legal purpose, or proof I wasn’t making it up.

I deleted it all. Because I do not need to prove anything to anyone, the legal system really does not care about it, and the biggest reason:

I do not need to shop for pain. I’m overstocked.

I actually forgot about mine till I read this. It’s on my old computer. Spreadsheet of timelines and conversations. Telephone bills and receipts. I keep it just in case. I haven’t looked at it in years. It’s some sort of comfort having it. The mutually assured destruction MAD theory. You try it again I release the info. You deal with the fallout from family friends and our grown children. Good luck with that. No amount of therapy can replace simple good old fear. I don’t even think she knows I have it. I did make her throw out the gifts he gave her. She tried hiding the ring box in the basement. I found it and had her throw it out. Like a kid being berated by a parent. Foolsh.