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Finish your vacation, keep the peace, get back home, start making arrangements to leave, then leave. You don't need to telegraph or warn him. You've already done that countless times and he flat out told you "I'm not reading that." How many times are you going to write letters he either won't read, or maybe reads then ignores it and refuses to address?

He's not going to change, and you can't change him. Things will only change if you change what you can, and that's yourself. I don't think he's ever going to acknowledge your pain and struggles. Right now it's your choice to remain in this loop.

I don't know you, but just from reading a few of your posts you seem to be very smart, articulate, caring, and conscientious. I think anyone would be lucky to find someone like you, and I think there's someone out there who will appreciate what you bring to the table. You're selling yourself short by settling for the treatment you're getting right now.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:05 PM, Wednesday, April 1st]

People communicate in different ways.
Have you tried asking him directly if he read the letter and what his response might be?

I am so sorry to hear this. You so desperately want connection. You are a person who lives secure connection. He is blatantly an "avoidant". Now I will say avoidants can change, but it will take work. He first needs to be introduced to the topic and understand that he is a avoidant. And you can help him through this of you really love him. But...and this is a big BUT....you MUST learn to set up proper boundaries to protect yourself.

Example, here is a potential way to handle your current situation.

"Jake, I wanted to mention that I have noticed you did not respond to me about my letter to you. I poured out my heart to you and have heard nothing from you in return. A relationship needs two people to take part in the relationship, not one. I am extremely hurt by the lack of response. Recently I have learned that you have what is called an "Avoidant" attachment style. I really cannot continue our relationship like this. I know of some resources to help you understand that avoidant characteristic and they can help you learn how to engage within a relationship to make it healthy. If you are interested in that, let me know. Until then, I really cannot continue a one sided relationship. As much as I want to be with you, I am going to need to take time for myself to heal our lack of connection. Please get in touch with me if you decide you want work on these issues in a tangible way."

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 5:08 PM, Wednesday, April 1st]

Hi Ghost! I am so sorry to see you here. It was really hard for me to read your account because I identify with your pain. I'm going through something similar.

Or I should say I've been going through what you are for 36 years. I recognize the cruelty, the lack of empathy, the latent (maybe not so latent) hostility.

So it was wonderful in the beginning and you're maybe a little in shock and confused when it seemed to change and you're waiting for him to be that guy he was in the beginning?

Is that it?

Run girl. You in danger girl.

Ghost, I understand well the desire to not rock the boat when things are going well, to repress your negative emotions and just enjoy the moment, don't make a scene, don't push him, etc.. I often tried to be compassionate, patient, and understanding in my marriage. I would raise issues when it was the "right time," when there was privacy and space to discuss things openly.

Unfortunately all of this comes at a personal cost. By repressing these negative thoughts for 3 weeks, you are now in a state of high internal anxiety about his lack of response to the letter. You need to flat out ask him if read it. If he says yes, ask him why he hasn't replied. If he says no, ask him why he isn't prioritizing it. Depending on his answers, you need to take appropriate actions in response.

Remember that boundaries are for our protection, not for inflicting punishment or consequences on the other person. It took me a while to really understand this and put it into practice. It's not easy to harden our hearts and do things to protect ourselves when we know it will hurt the other person. For some of us, it's easier to absorb the damage to ourselves, but that's not a healthy way to live.

I tend to be a conflict avoidant person, but I've learned to stand my ground. It takes courage. Don't be afraid to "spoil" the trip for him. You have some time off - perhaps this is the perfect time to hash out the reality of your future.

Do I say something and probably start a fight.

This is why you write letters. You can't count on a reasonable conversation about your relationship, and that's a problem. You shouldn't have to live avoiding relationship conversations that need to be had. He's perfectly fine living like that, and you are not. Adults should be able to communicate about their relationship without expecting it's going to start a fight. That said, maybe it's not fair to spring these talks on each other unexpectedly but reasonable to say I've been wanting to have a discussion about that letter I wrote to you, and I was wondering when you'd be ready to do so, and set a time that is mutually agreeable. If that's not possible from his end or he kicks up, you've got your answer yet again.

Wheew! Thank you again for all of your responses — I’m really taking the time to read and reflect on everything you’re saying.

I hear the recurring message very clearly: he has shown me who he is, and nothing has changed. I do see that. I’m not ignoring it, even if it may look that way from the outside. It's just so damn hard to give up on what I thought we have!

To the question "what is your next step?" That’s exactly where I am right now. Struggling with a decision. Though I already know what I need to do.

Some of you suggested I should just leave without saying anything further. Others suggested I should ask him directly about the letter. The truth is: I already know that his silence is an answer. I don’t need him to confirm it for me. At the same time, not addressing it at all while we are here together, acting like everything is fine, feels very uncomfortable and almost dishonest to myself.

That’s where I feel stuck. And I am just so freaking unhappy I can barely breathe.

I also want to clarify — I am already in therapy and have been for over a year, both in a trauma group and in individual therapy. This is something I am actively working on, including understanding why I stayed as long as I did. And my therapist actually doesn't want me to make any huge decisions while I am still working on myself.

Some of you mentioned fear of being alone or unhealthy attachment. I’ve thought about that a lot. The emotional bond has been very strong, and that is what has kept me here. It's not fear of being on my own. I am actually in a position where I could leave and be okay. But a huge part of me still wants to be with Jake.

I also hear the advice to not "protect the peace" at my own expense. That resonates. At the same time, I don’t want to fall back into pushing, explaining, or trying to force a conversation that he clearly avoids.

So I am trying to find the balance between speaking up for myself and not re-entering the same pattern. That’s where I am right now I guess.

Thank you also for the kind words!!
Ghost

I don't mean to disrupt any course of treatment you may be in, but I find the idea confounding of working to figure out why you stayed so long while you're still stayed. That doesn't make sense to me because it feels circular: the very same factors that people experience while exposed to toxicity, control, and abuse confound this very understanding. I've never seen someone reflect well on when they put getting out of abuse after achieving this feeling they understand it or otherwise reach some mythical settled state about it. All that does is leave them seeing that this just enabled further exposure, ie staying- see how that's circular? The key is ending the exposure.

I don’t understand your therapist’s advice either. But I’m not a professionally trained therapist so I not going to debate it.

That being said, the comment "what I thought I had" stuck with me. I think we as betrayed spouses or partners look back with a betrayed lens and see things very differently. You do things to keep the peace like writing letters to avoid difficult situations or conversations. It then becomes normalized and you stop seeing anything odd or wrong with it.

You deserve better than to be in a relationship where you are unhappy or unfulfilled or unable to talk to your partner.

I think all of your energy needs to be spent on YOU. Not him or the relationship or how go talk to him. YOU need to focus on you.