Want to start by saying your profile describes a very typical marriage. Financial issues, division of labor, time-restraints, power-struggles… this is all something I venture 99% of all marriages go through. Some end in divorce, some make it through.
I also want to emphasize that her decision to have an affair has NOTHING to do with any of the issues you mention. All these issues could justify a demand for change, or a demand for divorce. But NOTHING justifies the decision to have an affair. This needs to be so very very clear. Imagine you two make it through this instance, and 11 years from now you go and buy a Ford when she wants a Mazda… Would that justify or explain why your actions "made her" go sleep with the man next door?
At the end of the day – IF you two are to reconcile – there has to be a point where she totally acknowledged her blame in the affair. Totally on her – no excuses or justification.
Her definition of an affair is way off…
It’s a bit like tossing grandpa into a grave because he’s old and will die soon anyways. Might as well use this conveniently located ditch you found…
I think some factors need to be in place for reconciliation to be possible. Some are required from the start; some can wait for a few months.
First of all: If there is any contact at all then reconciling is going to be as successful as an AA meeting in a bar. Until you have assurances that it’s over, then at best you are in a holding pattern.
Second is the realization that there is something worse than divorce. Imagine you two don’t divorce. You carry on meeting a MC where he maybe rightly blames you for not helping with the household chores and the two of you find a way to cohabit. You think everything is fine and dandy. Only two years from now there is another unplanned, unpaid visit to the "beautician" … What is infinitely worse than divorce is remaining infidelity. I call it sharing a wife, and I think sharing a wife is infinitely worse than losing a wife.
I want you to contemplate this: IF divorce is the absolute worst outcome from this situation, then why risk it? Why not pretend to believe she’s having her nails done for the second time – and for free – this week? After all – if she returns home, there isn’t this talk of divorce and all that… why risk the "marriage"?
If that doesn’t sound good then really think long and hard about what it is you want to save, and only put the effort into it if you are offered what you want.
Then there is something I believe ALL marriages need. It’s the realization that there is really only one reason people should remain married. Namely because they want to. Not forced to, not obliged to, not an option… but because they want to. You want it and she wants it.
Right now, she’s talking as if the marriage was over and the only thing left was have a divorce and get a new lover. Well… in her mind not in that order…
But she hasn’t filed, has she? She doesn’t need your approval or permission. Divorce is always easier and better if both work at it, but no matter how you resisted then if she wanted, she could be half-way out the door.
So why hasn’t she failed?
As counterproductive as it might sound, then I suggest people peel away the layers of excuses for not filing. I can share that my wife and I did that some years ago during a rough spot and we decided that we wanted to remain married because we wanted to.
Have kids? Research after research supports that coming from homes where divorced parents do amicable parenting and show mutual respect irrespective of the former marital status do better than kids raised in households where parents are cold and emotionally separated. Your kids will then model their future relationships on what they see, and if that is a dad who never hugs his wife, a wife that never brings tea to her husband and places an arm on his shoulder, where there is resentment and bickering… then that’s what they will expect.
Can’t afford to divorce… again… an excuse, about as valid as the one that since there is a convenient open ditch in the garden you might as well dump grandpa into it…
IF she stays you want it to be for the right reason. That reason is because she wants YOU. As-is it sounds like you two are in an indifferent holding pattern, and it’s not a sustainable one.
Your MC is correct in that you can’t force her to decide, but at the same time it’s like a car headed towards a cliffs edge; at some point you need to decide if you are changing course or driving off the ledge. All you can possibly impact to delay that decision is the speed of the car. Maybe your MC is correct in that there are still some yards to the ledge but just keep in mind he’s not sitting beside you in the front-seat. He won’t be experiencing fall with you.
I am not stating all the above in some Jedi-mind-trick move to convert you to a divorce mindset. But I do want you into a get-out-of-infidelity mindset.
My so-called Sandwich Speech has been mentioned.
To nobody’s surprise I’m going to suggest a version for you:
Wife – I acknowledge that there were things in our marriage that are totally my fault. I should have listened to you and taken you seriously when you talked about issues that bothered you. Irrespective of how our marriage goes, I’m sorry and I apologize. I will work on improving my relationship and communication skills irrespective of what our future will be like husband and wife. I wish I had been more understanding, and we had gotten MC to fix those issues.
However, I have had an epiphany: Right now I don’t really have you as my wife. At best I share you, and I don’t share with you. Losing you is a terrible thought in my mind, but even worse is sharing you and knowing that you are with another man, both physically and emotionally. I can’t pretend to believe you are at a beautician when I KNOW you are with him. Although losing this marriage is hard, it beats having to share with you.
Therefore, I am setting you free. Seeing as OM is separated you can go be with him, spend time with him, date him, stay at his house… whatever. There is nothing I can do to prevent you from doing this anyways, and it’s better for all if you do what you want to do. Only you won’t be doing this as my wife.
I simply assuming you have chosen infidelity over the marriage and acting on that to get ME out of infidelity. It’s not somewhere I want to be.
I am starting the process of emotionally and practically ending our marriage. There is no drama, no rush. There is no me trying to get everything or anything like that. There is a known process that we can follow and be as amicable as possible on that path. We should focus on being able to coparent as well as we can. There is no rush per se. I want to take a few weeks simply learning to emotionally detach, and we can start the preparation of separating finances, finding a custody schedule and all that.
This isn’t how I envisioned us. I would do a LOT to save this marriage. But I won’t share with you.
If you want this marriage or want us to try saving it there are some requirements I need. You have a short window of opportunity to let me know if you want this marriage. The requirements are that you clearly and verbally let me know you want us to work on the marriage, no room for ambiguity. I also need verifiable proof that there is no contact with OM – remember I’m giving you the freedom you want to be with him so if you can’t give me this then don’t bother working on our marriage. I also will eventually need to know what happened.
This was a tough decision for me, and I have been contemplating my options for quite some time. It’ not what I want, but it’s what I am realistically being offered as my only path out of infidelity. The further I go along this path the more content I am with my decision.
"
And then you go make a sandwich.
(The sandwich is simply a term to show that you go about life. There isn’t any need to talk things through, have drama, shout and scream… Live goes on while you start on your journey out of infidelity. All that basically remains to be seen is if she joins you or chooses OM).
If she comes and tells you that she had to cheat because you didn’t value, her your answer is "I’m sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage then this is something we would need to address, but seeing as you are committed to your infidelity then there is nothing to be gained by that"
This is your standard answer to ALL her reasons for why she cheated. There really isn’t any need to argue over ANYTHING. While she doesn’t commit to marriage, you are committed to your only real option, and that’s ending the marriage. At YOUR pace.
